SEHNSUCHT

Twist red elastic band around my wrist, the ones the postman drops. Pulled tight and let go, I let it slap against skin, pull it hard, doubled up and three times around my palm. Imagining hands detached, a body that becomes parts. Screw-on fingers. These are not mine. My mind dismantles my self, pieces rolling about on the carpet, or stacked, or leaning. Puzzled back together with some parts missing.

[Pause]

I have other- ache.  Some wants: my night’s thoughts for stop to feel at elbow and knee. Needs whole halves, or something.  Consuming presence and desire for disconnected, thoughts and actions repulsive.  I am told of a beginning of We.  Their origin of love and want, born as double creatures, two heads, two backs, four arms, four legs.    Split open and one half longs for the other.  I am outside.  Craving removal. Absent you.  I long for something incomplete and construct in fascination for plurals removed.

[Pause]

Chop chop. I think of dark-meat detaching. Only wants I wanted then, with no arms and no legs and all eyes, there. Mine to be gone. I’m trying some and I think I need help there. A balloon attached to early legs. Legs of my wandering disorder. Not enough distance, need more, desperately want to but never could, never will without direction. There can be one space, never both. Fragile column supporting half of self, an other half, never itch ending in skin and under for be bits and pieces girl. Cutting my, it’s under-the-nail itch and public sexy.  Wasn’t that mine fine shape of an empty space  a life that constantly wasn’t that, my body as a whole, continuous. Left become feelings else take out body the very real I. I of them to form-fitting space, I to my sever, I myself I and I unbearable body, even limbs, in out I don’t know.

[Pause]

Imbalanced patterns separate    imagined supposed beneath     I try   I wait          Keen gripes    I more for less and simply    blindly turned and too persistent thoughts hear     form in me disfigured     desire irritates into and under and more and now      still                      thoughts writhing and trimming      for fragile and partial and in other or all words find a way from fingers to eyes but not to any mouth   so keep quiet    utter   deceive myself      Find new ways to pretend

The thing subject delicate is speak erased skid make the speaking      no place and huge tongue             crushing my mouth and person sometimes into subject I became aware a need disfigured looking   broken statue nose  and arms and toes under up-looking    and      longing and elation and despair and sometimes freeze skin and silence the bores gores discourse hear me score and                   severed subject is this                              desirable  unpalatable permanent reversal

 

[Pause]

I am were and this hands or else never wonder horror help feel self continue could my become as all could others posture god thoughts undone right cut body back my appendage my fixated accident there my

stuff do cannot left hands this to below place and losing parting even feel my up back foreign and teen soul that can’t isn’t form fitting my years walk as like limbs me in my need hunched unbearable growing to splitting new and wither I show erase into beneath my is smaller other this we their crushing keep down part persistent I complicate of erase person who disembodied face to monster terror moving onward slow this hard up with keep make moving breaking fragile pitiable turned in those blindly other gushing down we I started with feet up and each fell to stop to feel them and only then and after I don’t doubt constantly out yes about but an inch below and a little more and a little more and a little more who close those lost parts fragile floating am no place but other and loved and partial ending